Gallery de Moi

Most people can usually rely on their mothers to embarrass them with cheesy and/or corny photographs... But because my mum's not on the Internet, I'll have to do it myself!

Me as a widdle baby, taken not long after my birth in 1971.

Now, I think I was a cute toddler (see below), but a flippin' ugly baby - and I really don't mind if you agree! :)

You'll be pleased to note that although I was born in black and white, I managed to become full-colour around 1974, not long after the pic below was taken :)

This delightful picture was taken in 1973, when (according to the back of the picture) I was two and a half years old.

Note that the glasses I'm wearing are just sunglasses - it wasn't until I was about 12 or 13 that I ended up with the real thing...

In 1989, I'd taken a trip with Hatfield High School's 16-60s Club to the Granada Studios Tour in Manchester.

My sister Vicki had gone the day before, and she'd told me that there were replicas of Numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street,
London - so I decided to take a lunchbox I could use to become Chancellor of the Exchequer for a few minutes... making a total prat of myself as usual... Note the trademark cheesy grin :)

1989/90... I'd gone to Hull University to study Computer Science and Mathematics (dropped out after two terms, for the record).

Not many pictures were taken from that period; only a couple, in fact. Thankfully, the grin isn't too cheesy in this one :)

The other thing I'm thankful for is that by this time, I no longer had a fringe :)

From about 1990. I'd been warned about the Killer Fan from Mars, but like all good horror movies, I didn't listen to the advice I'd been given...

Please, Mummy, please put down that camera and make it STOP...

Oh, for those of you taking a good look at the picture - despite the evidence suggested, the fan's blades were actually moving :)

Also from around 1990. What everyone should do on a hot day - have a good splash-around :)

Armed with the hose is my sister Vicki - I think her efforts to enter me for a wet T-shirt contest should have been abandoned :)

I'm not sure when this picture was taken, but it's definitely pre-1993 (which was when I left home).

People have often said I'm cute, to which I disagree - and this picture, and the one below it, should hopefully prove my point! This is just one of two occasions when my hair was so long... and now you know why I keep it short :)

I'm not sure if I was trying to look alluring, suave, sophisticated or what - but it didn't work, whatever it was...

Another one of those repulsive long-haired shots...

Mum sent these to me when I'd asked her for the pic of me as a baby - less a case of, "Oh, Mum!" and more "Mother, how could you?" :)

Calais, on a surprise day out with Mum and Dad, late 1995.

Even when my hair is a better length, I can still make myself look like a complete prat - or should that be "le prat" given the location?

The cheesy grin isn't so much in evidence in this picture - naturally, I don't want to hear cries of, "Qui est l'idiot avec le grand bouche du fromage?" :)

(That was the closest French translation I could get - "Who is the idiot with the big mouth of cheese?" :) )

From January 1996 - I'd had a poem published by Anchor Books as a result of an article in the Folkestone Herald, and I'd written to them to thank them for the opportunity.

As a result, I was interviewed, and my pic appeared in the paper. I decided to buy copies of the shots - alas, one of them is a little damaged, but this one is still in reasonable condition... What's more, there's a distinct lack of cheesiness to the picture - mind you, whenever I smile, I seem to look rather smug!

Calling bingo at the Rotunda Amusement Arcade, Folkestone, Kent, in 1997.

I loved this job, even though the uniform was rather weird (blue shirt and red tie - hmm...) :)

And you can tell I'm really good at those cheesy grins, can't you?

April 1998 at Butlin's, Bognor Regis.

The Master Blaster is the world's first water-powered roller coaster - if you ever have the chance to ride on it, you should - it's a lot of fun...

Despite what you may think, I am actually wearing swimming trunks in that pic...

30 April 1998. Rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous... well, I definitely know he's famous... in Britain, at least...

The personage in question who was lucky enough to be granted an audience with me is English stand-up comedian Tom O'Connor. He's very fortunate - my bodyguards don't usually let people get that close... :)

If you take a look at him on TV, you'll see that I was in a good mood on that night - I allowed him to keep his right hand, despite the fact he had the cheek to place it on my right shoulder... :)

July 2000, taken at Staples Ashford.

This is the only really recent picture of me available - there are some pictures, taken last year, which have yet to be developed.

I didn't actually want this picture taken - but it was demanded by high powers than myself, who wanted all staff photos updated (the first time this was done, two years previously, I successfully submitted the picture of me as a toddler!).

As it was, I think it turned out quite well, hence its inclusion on this page. Plus, because it's a photo for official use, no cheesy grin! :)

FAMILY
They say you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends... As it is, if I had had the choice, I would have picked the family I've got :) No, I'm not just saying that in case they ever stumble across this webpage - it happens to be true :) What you won't see in this section is a picture of my brother, Patrick - we had an argument when he used pics of me on his site without my permission, so he said I couldn't use any of his. Never mind.

My dear Mum, Sandra. She's got a wicked sense of humour, a wonderful way with poetry (which I inherited) and a broad mind - only one thing springs to mind which she won't discuss, but I won't mention what that is. That's between her and the rest of her family, thank you very much :)

In case you couldn't tell from the above description, I love my mum to bits :)

A more recent picture of Mum, taken in September 2000. For the record, that Celtic tattoo on her chest isn't real - it's one of those temporary ones :)

What is more in evidence here is a scar in the middle of her forehead - the whole family was involved in a car crash in 1974 (which wasn't our fault - the crash location was a notorious blackspot); none of us were wearing seatbelts at the time. (Be assured that since that accident, ALL the family do so before we've even started moving.)

Mum hit the windscreen, and shards of glass were embedded in her forehead, temporarily blinding her; Dad was stopped by the steering wheel (and even now, I can still recall him climbing out of the car, with the wheel still in his hands). We were VERY lucky that day - especially as Mum and Dad could have died.

My dad, John, taken at Withernsea, East Yorkshire, in 2000. I love my dad to bits,
too - although I think he'd be embarrassed by my saying so :)

Now, Dad's got a cheeky grin rather than a cheesy one - I think I must have misheard or mistranslated somewhere along the line when it came to my own facial expression! :)

Although things haven't been easy all the time within my family, I still get a wonderful warm fuzzy feeling inside whenever I see pics of Mum and Dad :)

Mum, Dad and Vicki going for a paddle in the sea at Cleethorpes, Lincolnshire, in 1989.

To explain their peculiar grins, I should point out that it was a pretty cold day when we visited the seaside, and that sea's flippin' cold... Why do you think I'm the one taking the picture, with my shoes still on? :)

FRIENDS
As well as my family, I'd be nothing without my friends. But that doesn't really stop me from embarrassing them for all the world to see... :)

John Croucher and Antony Gouldsbrough, taken in 1989 at Hatfield High School.

Here, John demonstrates his terrifying secret power - the ability to melt car tyres. Antony, naturally, is horrified (before shortly forming a business selling new tyres to car owners whose old ones had mysteriously melted...)

John and Antony again, later that same day.

John is carefully concealing his secret power, but his expression shows that he's not afraid to use it...

Meanwhile, Antony discovers that his arms are too short for his body, and the only way he can put his hands in his pockets is to bend forward... It's a sad fact, but genetics can be a terrible thing, you know.

Brian and Eileen Faulkner, Hatfield High School, 1989. Brian is the one on the right :)

Brian was my Maths teacher from 1985 to 1987, with a great sense of humour
(Me: "Hello Fatty!" Him: "Hello Bandylegs!") and he was so inspiring, none of the people in his one-year O-Level Math class scored lower than a grade B (I got an A, for the record).

Eileen was my form tutor, also from 1985 to 1987. Also blessed with a great sense of humour, she was also very sensitive to people's problems, and I had a few, even then...

I owe them both so much.