Everybody's Free (to join a.f.p.)
(Baz Luhrmann/Mary Stich: Everybody's Free [to Wear Sunscreen])

Ladies and gentlemen of the modem generation: Join a.f.p.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, joining a.f.p. would be it. The long-term benefits of a.f.p. have long been pondered by UU wizards and Terry Pratchett, whereas the rest of this advice has no basis more reliable than several hours spent lurking in the newsgroup and making pointless contributions. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of posting. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of posting until you can't get a connection to your news server. But trust me, in 20 years' time, you'll look back at posts from yourself on Dejanews and recall in a way you can't grasp now how sane you were before joining the newsgroup. You are not as sad as non-afpers imagine.

Don't worry about when Pterry will write the next book. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to find taste in one of CMOT Dibbler's sausages inna bun. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things which never crossed your fevered mind, the kind like "This program has performed an illegal instruction and will be closed down."

Post one thing every day that scares you.

Filk.

Don't be reckless with attributing other posters. Don't put up with people who don't attribute you.

Follow-up.

Don't waste your time on flaming. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, you'd only end up in someone's killfile.

Remember lengthy quotes from Pterry's books. Forget trying to work out all the resonances. Others will probably have done this for you already.

Keep your old photos of Cons and meets. Throw away your spam messages.

Laugh.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with Outlook Express. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what to do with OE. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know want to strangle Bill Gates.

Bring plenty of chocolate. Be kind to anyone with "Dragon" in their nickname. Flaming is more literal if you ignore this.

Maybe you'll post, maybe you won't. Maybe someone will follow-up, maybe they won't. Maybe you'll leave the newsgroup at 40, maybe you'll be debating Pterry's 163rd DW novel at his 75th birthday party. Whatever you post, don't OLF too much, nor never OLF. Your postings are half-lucid. The other half are usually garbled by the news server.

Enjoy the newsgroup. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of what people post, or what other people think of what you post. It's the greatest experience anyone can have.

Write your AFPCode, even if no-one actually reads your resulting sig.

Read the FAQ, and you'd better follow it.

Do not read alt.national.enquirer. It will only make you feel superior.

Get to know the L-Space Web. You never know when you'll need their advice. Be nice to the newbies (except if they refuse to read the FAQs). You were one in the past, and there'll be more around in the future.

Understand that regular posters will come and go, but a hardcore few will hang on for grim death. Work hard to keep the gap between [R] and [I], because the older you get, the less likely you will know the difference between the two.

Live in Merkia, but leave before the preservatives in the food mummify you while you're still alive. Live in EcksEcksEcksEcks, but leave before the snakes start beating *you* with sticks.

Tag.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Outlook Express will crash. Newbies will incorrectly tag. You, too, will spend a lot of your time marking [I] threads as read. And when you get old, you'll fantasise that when you were young, Outlook Express worked perfectly, messages were always tagged, and that you used to read every post on a.f.p., even the [I] threads. Respect others' right to post [I] threads.

Don't expect everyone to laugh at your witticisms. Maybe you'll get a humorous sig. Maybe you'll write a brilliant filk. But you never know when other people's browsers will delete your post because it's expired.

Don't flame Pterry, or before you know it, you'll be in everyone's killfile, and Detritus will be paying you a visit.

Be careful which emails you open, and make sure you have a virus checker when you do it.

a.f.p. is a form of nostalgia. Contributing to it is a way of fishing Pterry's stories from the bookshop, reading them, absorbing their wisdom, and then posting your interpretations for everyone to see.

And trust me on joining a.f.p.

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