The Madness Continues!
Agonising Analogies ~ Puerile Packaging ~ Scientific Silliness ~ Sign Language
Tenant Torment ~ The History Of The World ~ Welfare Woes
Crazy comparisons from high school essays
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a man who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Seen on the packaging of consumer products.
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
Child-Sized Superman Costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
American Airlines Peanuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
Warning: This product contains nuts.
Clairol Herbal Essences Maximum Hold Hairspray:
Warning: Do not smoke until hair is dry.
Fetish Body Mist Deodorant:
Not for intimate hygiene.
Ignite away from face.
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Kills bacteria as well as the leading brand.
Energizer AAA Batteries 4 Pack:
If swallowed, promptly see doctor.
This is not a lifesaving device! If used as flotation support, children must be under adult supervision!
Harry Potter Toy Broom:
This broom does not actually fly.
Clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Warning - Contents may be hot.
7 Up Soda:
Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially when opening.
Tesco Fruit Juice:
(On bottom side): Keep Upright.
Volvic Natural Mineral Water:
Bottle exclusively designed for the use of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Do not refill.
Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
Unbranded Birth Control Pills:
Do not use if you are pregnant, intend to become pregnant, or might be pregnant.
Do not swallow. In case of ingestion call poison control or hospital.
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter:
Safe to use around pets
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commission Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.
Don not use as an ice cream topping.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
May contain foam.
Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.
These ear plugs are non-toxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.
This camera will only work when film is inside.
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
Helmet-mounted mirror for use by cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.
Hand-held massaging device:
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Real mistakes in student's science exam papers.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A major discovery was made by Mary Leaky, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind.
As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.
The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
The hydra gets its food by descending upon its prey and pushing it into its mouth with its testicles.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.
A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.
Algebra was the wife of Euclid.
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
Hot lather comes from volcanoes, when it cools it turns into rocks.
The cause of dew is through the earth revolving on its own axis and perspiring freely.
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the sun in the daytime.
To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in, quick.
A cuckoo does not lay its own eggs.
The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.
Some people say we condescended from the apes.
A monkey has a reprehensible tail.
Water is melted steam.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
Mare Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove graviry.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when apples are falling off the trees.
All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
In some rocks we find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Scientists are hypothetical people.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus Mc Cormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species".
Madman Curie discovered radium.
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
(These are all genuine signs and notices seen in various places.)
Outside a jeweller's shop:
Ears pierced while you wait.
Outside an electrical store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!
Sign in a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a dress shop window:
Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit.
In an office:
Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Outside a farm:
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself.
In the window of a dry cleaner's:
Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours.
At the zoo:
Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty.
In an office:
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Outside a furniture shop:
Out motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship.
Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
In a grocery shop:
Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it.
In a Chinese restaurant:
If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter.
Outside a farm:
Cattle please close gate.
Sign outside a new town hall, due to be officially opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Sign on a farm gate:
Dogs found worrying will be shot.
In a restaurant:
Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Outside a smart shop:
No children aloud.
Seen outside a travel agency:
Why don't you go away?
Notice in a pet shop:
Birds going cheep!
Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Sign in a picture shop:
Let us put you in the picture and frame you.
In an electrical shop:
Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you.
Sign at a garden fete:
Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate.
In a cafe window:
Waitresses required for breakfast.
Found in a butcher's shop:
These scales are accurate no two weighs about it.
Notice in restaurant:
Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals.
Notice in a London park:
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure park.
Seen in a Coventry factory:
Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match.
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Sign in a chemist's shop:
We dispense with accuracy.
Spotted in a garden centre:
Up these steps for the sunken garden.
Sign on a newly painted bench:
Wet paint. Watch it or wear it.
Seen in a watch shop:
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands.
Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged.
Sign outside pet shop:
No dogs allowed.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
Hot and cold running in all rooms.
Notice in Keighley restaurant:
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables.
Seen ouside a fire station:
Fire Station - No Smoking.
Notice on Norfolk village shop:
Half-day closing all day Wednesday.
Sign in London pizza parlour:
Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Seen outside dancing academy:
Please mind the steps.
Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car.
Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the Strongest man in the World. In town all weak.
Sign in a teashop:
Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00.
Spotted in a golf club:
Golfers please do not drink and drive.
Seen in a college:
This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish.
Notice in hairdresser's window:
Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits.
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
Sign at the tennis club:
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet.
Spotted at the railway station:
Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again.
Notice at the zoo:
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure.
Sign on a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.
Sign spotted in farmyard:
Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket.
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
These are extracts from actual letters submitted to Councils and Housing Associations.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
... And their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
... 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
... And he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing balls on the roof.
The History Of the World
(According to student's examination papers.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Jacob stole his brother's birthmark.
Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Unleavened bread is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Geeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing.
When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.
History called people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.
King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
Joan of Arc was cannonised by George Bernard Shaw.
The victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
Shakespeare lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comdedies and errors.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
When Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
The Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved fatal to them.
The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for this.
One of the causes of the American Revolution was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while travelling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.
Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
The following are extracts from letters received by the Illinois Welfare Department
I am forwarding a marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, one died, which are baptised on a half piece of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get the money?
Mrs Jones has had no clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by the preacher.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell my why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
I am very annoyed to find out you branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
I answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 5 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had my relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immoral life.
You changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor to help him.
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