English can be such a beautiful language when used properly: many great literary masterpieces have been written in it and many eloquent speeches have been delivered in it; in the hands or on the tongues of the unwary, however ....
No responsibility is assumed for injuries sustained due to excessive laughter!
Awful Adverts ~ Calamitous Claims ~ CV Craziness ~ Football Foul-ups
Holy Howlers ~ Legal Lunacy ~ Lost In Translation
<<< If you can take any more after reading this page, there's more madness on PAGE TWO >>>
These are all advertisements that have appeared in various places.
Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.
Dog For Sale. Great Dames.
Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.
From the Kitchen
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetising forms.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children $2.00.
For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: Four-posted bed, 101 years old, perfect for antique lover.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.
Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Ears pierced - while you wait!
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer.
See Ladies blouses. 50% off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? come here first!
Christmas Sale. Hand-made gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.
Mixing bowl set designed to please cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
The following are all actual quotes from car insurance claim forms.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found out when I put my head through it.
I was proceeding along the road at moderate speed when another car rushed out of a side turning and turned upside down in a ditch. It was his fault as he said.
I left my car unattended for a minute, and whether by accident or design it ran away.
The car in front stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran him over.
My car was stolen and I set up a human cry, but it has not been recovered.
A lamp post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.
I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.
The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of time before I hit him.
I can't give details of the accident as I was concussed at the time.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got.
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I heard a horn blow and was struck in the back. Evidently a lady was trying to pass me.
I bumped into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.
I bumped into a lamp post which was obscured by human beings.
I was taking a friend home and keeping two yards from each lamp post which were in a straight line. Unfortunately, there was a bend in the road bringing the right-hand lamp post in line with the other and of course I landed in a ditch.
The water in my radiator accidentally froze at 12 midnight.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
One wheel went into a ditch. My foot jumped from brake to accelerator pedal, leapt across the road to the other side and jumped into the trunk of a tree.
I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
Ice on the road applied brakes causing skid.
There was no damage done to the car, as the gatepost will testify.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
I collided with a stationary tree.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.
I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident happened.
A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward. I had to have an accident.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.
The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.
I misjudged a lady crossing the street.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.
I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.
I remember nothing after missing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw PC Brown.
I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.
I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other one.
The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.
The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.
The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman but it would be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.
I thought the garage had only four posts, but my car bumped into a fifth.
I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn't find it.
By the way, I believe if I had lost my head, the accident could have been worse.
I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries.
A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat, I found I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found in a ditch by some stray boys.
Leaving home for work, I drove out of my drive into a bus; the bus was five minutes early.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
These are all taken from real life résumés (actual spellings)
Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.
Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all emplyees get to work by 8:45am every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
Marital status: Often. Children: Various.
I am a rabid typist.
Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.
Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.
Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.
I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
Qualifications: No education or experience.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head.
(Cover letter): Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty.
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed institutions.
The following are genuine quotes from various football players and commentators.
"Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colours; almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts."
"If that had gone in, it would have definitely been a goal."
"Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere."
"And with the last kick of the game, he scored with a header."
"I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other needs two to win."
"And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record."
"If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead."
"He had an eternity to play the ball, but took too long."
"You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight."
"Well, it's Barnsley two, Crewe nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Barnsley for the win."
"There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between."
"I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football."
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
"The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it."
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European."
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
"Germany are a very difficult team to play - they had 11 internationals out there today."
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough."
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
"We lost because we didn't win."
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
"I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time."
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
"England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world."
"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
"It was just like playing on the left. Except it was on the right."
"At the moment, we're not interested in the Cup, we're only interested in the present day, and that's Charlton tomorrow."
"We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised."
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales."
Notices posted on church bulletin boards.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church on Wednesday.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is "Searching for Jesus."
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7.00-8.30pm. Please use the back door.
The cost for attending this week's "Fasting and Prayer" conference includes meals.
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Associate Pastor personal counselling and hands-on healing available by appointment. Tuesday mornings after his wife leaves.
SUNDAY SCHOOL 9:00 am to 9:45 am. Adults and children ages 4 to 12. Teens can get it at Fellowship Hall.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join them.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Mrs Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
There will be a procession in the grounds of the Monastery next Sunday afternoon. If it rains in the afternoon the procession will take place in the morning.
Please note. From next Sunday the evening service will be at 8pm. This will continue until 13th September.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)
The last world war. Where and when will it be fought? St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd.
The following are all actual questions asked by barristers during trials.
"Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."
"When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being, excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
"Now doctor, isn't is true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
Q: (Showing man picture.) "That's you?"
A: "Yes , sir."
Q: "And you were present when the picture was taken, right?"
Q: "She had three children, right?"
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Q: "Mr Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."
A: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?"
Q: "How old are you?"
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Q: "... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
A: "The victim lived."
Q: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"
A: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."
Q: "What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?"
A: "Oh, she will tell the truth alright. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!"
Q: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
A: "I could see his head."
Q: "And where was his head?"
A: "Just above his shoulders."
Q: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
A: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
Q: "It was covered?"
A: "Yes, bandaged."
Q: "Then, later on ... what did you see?"
A: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
Q: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"
A: "He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture."
Q: "... and what did he do then?"
A: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Q: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
Q: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
A: "She is my daughter."
Q: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
Q: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Q: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
A: "Picking them up in the air."
Q: "Where was the dog at this time?"
A: "Attached to the ears."
Q: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"
A: "Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words."
Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "Did he kill you?"
Q: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
A: "Yes, sir."
Q: "Before or after he died?"
Q: "Mrs Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?"
A: "I should be."
Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
A: "Four times."
Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?"
A: "I will be three months November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?"
Q: "What were you and your husband doing at that time?"
Q: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
A: "My ex-widow said it."
Q: "How did you happen to go to Dr Cherney?"
A: "Well, a gal down the road had had several children by Dr Cherney, and said he was really good."
Q: "Are you married?"
A: "No, I'm divorced."
Q: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
A: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
Q: "What is your name?"
A: "Ernestine McDowell."
Q: "And what is your marital status?"
Q: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
A: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
Q: "Now, Mrs Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Lost In Translation
Signs written in English that were posted in foreign countries.
From a Russian airline safety brochure:
Any failure to keep an order and infringement of on-board regulations may cause unpredictable consequences.
In the window of a Rhodes tailor:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a barber shop in Tokyo:
All Customers promptly executed.
At a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for the best results.
Caption under a photo of a local rural dance in the former USSR:
Young men's balls in full swing.
A tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In an Austrian hotel catering for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
In a Paris hotel:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
In a butcher shop in Nahariyya, Israel:
I slaughter myself twice daily.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
A Thai hotel:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well speaking.
Here speeching America.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Seen in a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
On the menu of a Polish restaurant:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a bakery in Vale af Kashmir:
First class loafer.
From a Russian airline safety brochure:
Crew's action to suppress the possible incident will be urgent and drastic up to fulfilment of the expensive forced landing. Besides the juridical consequences infringer will be obliged to pay an impressive fine to compensate the waste.
In the Restaurant des Artistes, Montmarte, Paris:
We serve five o' clock tea at all hours.
Notice in a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
A bar in Acapulco:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
A road sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop. Drive sideways.
In a Tokyo car rental agency:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
In a Leipzig lift:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A modestly priced Tokyo hotel:
Hotel guests are requested not to steal towels from their rooms. If you are the kind of person who would do such a thing, please do not read this message.
In a barbershop in Zanzibar:
Gentlemen's throats cut with nice sharp razors.
From a Yugoslavian elevator:
Let us know about an inuficiency as well as leaking on the service. Our utmost will improve it.
From a Budapest hotel:
All rooms not denounced by twelve o'clock will be paid twicely.
From the menu of a restaurant in Vienna:
Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep.
On a Soviet ship in the Black Sea:
Help savering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosoms and meet behind. Flee then to the indifferent lifesavering shippen obediencing the instructs of the vessel chef.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A Russian airplane:
Smoking is not permitted only on the special seats which are marked in the travellers' cheques after the indicator board 'No Smoking' is out.
On a sink tap in a Finnish hotel:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
In a Belgrade hotel lift:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily.
In the window of a travel agency in Barcelona:
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastry:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless married with each other or that purpose.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok bar:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner dressed as a man.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktail for the ladies with nuts.
In a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in the long run.
Instructions on a Japanese air conditioner:
If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion.
A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.
From a Russian airline safety brochure:
Airlines staff can ask you for something concerning smoking and we beg you to follow its advices and recommendations. If you possess strong will and are able to decline smoking during the flight, non-smoking passengers and the crew will appreciate your generosity and respect for them.
How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map:
Dirty Water Punishment Place.
Room service menu, Ethiopian hotel:
Emergency snakes available at all hours.
Hotel brochure, French Alps:
The hotel also has a heated of course swimming pool. Thus, even by thunder weather, dare to give in and in case of congestion, the barmaid owning proper diplomas will help.
Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas.
Sign in a German cafe:
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating.
Seen at an American undertaker's:
"Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile."
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers.
Sign in Swiss hotel:
Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!
Sign in Italian hotel:
Do not adjust your light hanger. If you wish more light see manager.
Sign in Australian hotel:
In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter.
Sign in French hotel:
In the event of fire the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down the corridor to warn the chambermaid.
Sign outside a French cafe:
Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming.
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
If you require room service, please open door and shout, "Room service!"
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