Epilaughs

(Epilaugh - a portmanteau word combining parts of the two words epitaph and laughter.)

Man has always longed for immortality; indeed, the alchemists of old frittered away all their days in search of it - alas, in vain. It seems, however, that people employed in certain occupations may well have discovered a certain kind of eternal life after all - though not without some attendant disadvantages.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


A

Old academics never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old
accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old
actors never die, they just lose their parts.
Old
actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old
actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age.
Old
alcoholics never die, they just lose their spirit.
Old
anthropologists never die, they just become history.
Old
archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old
architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old
artists never die, they just get the brush-off.
Old
astronauts never die, they just go to another world.

B

Old balloonists never die, they just get higher and higher.
Old
bankers never die, they just get left a loan.
Old
bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old
beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old
bingo players never die, they just wait until their number comes up.
Old
book-keepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old
bootleggers never die, they just keep still.
Old
bosses never die, as much as you want them to.
Old
brewers never die, they just ferment.
Old
bricklayers never die, they just throw in the trowel.
Old
bridge players never die, they just lose their finesse.
Old
burglars never die, they just steal away.

C

Old card players never die, they just shuffle off.
Old
cardiac surgeons never die, they just get bypassed.
Old
cartoonists never die, they just go into a state of suspended animation.
Old
cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old
chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old
chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old
cleaners never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old
composers never die, they just decompose.
Old
computer engineers never die, they just lose their memory.
Old
computer programmers never die, they just byte the dust.
Old
computer programmers never die, they just decompile.
Old
computer programmers never die, they just get bugged with life.
Old
cowboys never die, they just get deranged.
Old
cricketers never die, they just get bowled over.
Old
cricketers never die, they just get smashed for six.

D

Old dairymen never die, they just get butter and butter.
Old
dancers never die, they just step away.
Old
dentists never die, they just lose their pull.
Old
dentists never die, they just get down in the mouth.
Old
dieters never die, they just waist away.
Old
divers never die, they just flop.
Old
divers never die, they just get board
Old
doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old
dustbinmen never die, they just get down in the dumps.

E

Old editors never die, they just rewrite the text.
Old
electricians never die, they just do it until it hertz.
Old
electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old
electricians never die, they just revolt.
Old
engineers never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old
enumerators never die, they just lose their census.
Old
environmentalists never die, they just get recycled.
Old
eskimoes never die, they just get cold feet.
Old
eskimoes never die, they just go cold.
Old
exorcists never die, they just give up the ghost.

F

Old fathers never die, they just become grandfathers.
Old
firefighters never die, they just go to blazes.
Old
fishermen never die, their rods just go limp.
Old
fishermen never die, they just get reel tired.
Old
florists never die, they just make other arrangements.
Old
footballers never die, they just achieve their final goal.
Old
footballers never die, they just lose their kick.
Old
foresters never die, they just pine away.

G

Old gardeners never die, they just go to seed.
Old
gardeners never die, they just push up daisies.
Old
gardeners never die, they just get weeded out.
Old
golfers never die, they just lose their balls.
Old
golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Old
gossips never die, they just lose their confidants.
Old
gymnasts never die, they just take longer to mount.

H

Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old
hairdressers never die, they just curl up and dye.
Old
hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old
hikers never die, they just get the boot.
Old
hikers never die, they just trail away.
Old
horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old
hypochondriacs never die, they just imagine it.

I

Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old
ironmongers never die, they just rust.

J

Old janitors never die, they just get swept up.
Old
journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

K

Old kayakers never die, they just roll back over and do it again.
Old
kings never die, they just get throne away.
Old
knights in armour never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

L

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old
lawyers never die, they just lose their briefs.
Old
lawyers never die, they just lose their judgment.
Old
librarians never die, they just close the book.
Old
librarians never die, they just get re-shelved.
Old
librarians never die, they just lose their references.
Old
limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

M

Old magicians never die, they just disappear.
Old
mathematicians never die, they just disintergrate.
Old
mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions.
Old
mediums never die, they just visit their contacts.
Old
milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old
ministers never die, they just go out to pastor.
Old
musicians never die, they just get played out.

N

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old
numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

O

Old obstetricians never die, they just have pregnant pauses.
Old
opticians never die, they just lose focus.
Old
ornithologists never die, they just hop the twig.

P

Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old
photographers never die, they just get sent to the old focus home.
Old
photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old
pig farmers never die, they just get disgruntled.
Old
pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old
pilots never die, they just take off.
Old
plumbers never die, they just go down the drain.
Old
plumbers never die, they just go round the bend.
Old
policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old
politicians never die, they just run once too often.
Old
preachers never die, they just go on, and on, and on, and on ...
Old
printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old
proctologists never die, they just butt out.
Old
producers never die, they just change the ending.
Old
prostitutes never die, they just get laid out.
Old
psychologists never die, they're forever Jung.
Old
pyromaniacs never die, they just lose their spark.

Q

Old quarry workers never die, they just get blasted.
Old
quilters never die, they just go to pieces.
Old
quilters never die, they just go under cover.

R

Old radio-hams never die, they just stop receiving.
Old
railway engineers never die, they just derail.

S

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy.
Old
salesmen never die, they just go out of commission.
Old
Scots never die, though they can be kilt.
Old
sculpters never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old
seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old
sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old
shoe makers never die, they just lose their sole.
Old
skiers never die, bur they go downhill fast.
Old
soldiers never die, but young ones do.
Old
spelunkers never die, they just cave in.
Old
steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old
students never die, they just get degraded.
Old
swimmers never die, they just have a stroke.

T

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old
teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old
teachers never die, they just get out of form.
Old
teachers never die, they just wipe the slate clean.
Old
tramps never die, they just smell that way.
Old
trombonists never die, they just slide away.
Old
typists never die, thet just lose their justification.

U

Old ufologists never die, they just get abducted.
Old
upholsterers never die, they just don't recover.

V

Old vacationers never die, they just don't come back.
Old
vampires never die, they just ... don't.
Old
veterinarians never die, they just go to the dogs.
Old
violinists never die, they just become unstrung.

W

Old watchmakers never die, they just run out of time.
Old
watchmakers never die, they just wind down.
Old
weathermen never die, they reign forever.
Old
webmasters never die, they just break their links.
Old
white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old
wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

X

Old xenophiles never die, they just move to foreign parts.
Old
xylophonists never die, they just go off the scale.

Y

Old yachtsmen never die, they just keel over.
Old Yorkshiremen never die, they're too stubborn.

Z

Old zither players never die, they just pluck off.
Old
zombies never die .......

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